What Hurts The Most
by Kuro1Yuki1Aren1Walker
Summary: Allen's innocence attack Lavi. Now everyone hates her but no one knows that her innocence did it against her will. Then their is that fact she is a girl. What will happen when she is given a mission with the one she hurts and the one that hates here. How long will she last and what happens when they find out? Fem!Allen
1. I'm a scared

**_I don't own man or any of the characters._**

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_'__Italics'_ for writing

'normal' for normal speech and dialog

**'Blond'** thoughts

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Allen's P.O.V

_I know they wont believe me. I mean my innocence just attack Lavi. With out my control it just attacked him. When my innocence did that I felt my whole world break. It had hit me hard. But the worse was when my own friends wouldn't let me help take him to the nurse wing or any where near themselves or him. I was official hated by them._

_Kory wouldn't talk to me any more. Miranda would run away screaming. Lenalee would just glare at me and not speak to me any more. Kanda wouldn't speak or listen to me. The finders would be to terrified to speak. Komui wouldn't speak to me other than give me missions and those missions were very far way. The other exorcist restored to beating me up along with a few finders. I hated it. I was weak…. I was…scared. _

_The only person I could speak with out being scared was Jerry. He was the one person who was able to see the hurt in me. Even though I didn't tell him the worst part about it he was still worried for me...I'm weak._

_I think I can only say this here in this journal. I was raped and found out. I hated it. Sure they wont remember, because they were drunk, __but still I will remember. I feel that their is no one I can cry to about this not even Jerry...I'm scared. _

_This all had to start when I was about to tell my friend the truth. That I was a girl. Right when I was feeling like I could trust them and believe in them, but now they hate my guts. I feel that if I tell them they would just hate me even more...I don't want to be hated. _

_To everyone I look normal, but now I'm like a broken doll...lifeless person. I surprise myself by finding the will to live even if just a little. If my friends ever found this journal and read the content of it then I don't know if they would hate me more than they do know. but if they do please know I'm very sorry and I don't want to be hate anymore...__Please forgive me for my sin._

As I set down my pen. I closed my journal and started for an mission that I would leave for in a hour. I packed my clothes and some medicine. Once I was done I check the time and saw I had about 20 minutes left so. I check my appearance unlike Lenalee's I had a small chest almost flat. I didn't have a curve figure like Lenalee, I was thin and lean that was it. I was nothing special and for my lack of feminine nature might be why I'm thought of as a boy. When I was done checking I had everything I grabbed my journal and stuffed it into my pocket and grabbed my bag and left my room for a long and painful mission. As I got to the boat I saw the two people that I want to be the least on this mission with. It was the Bakanda and him… Lavi.

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**Thanks for reading! Pleas Review and tell me what you think**

**tell me if you think I should continue or not. I would love to know. **

**Will keep working on other stories if you what some thing else, but I will most of my stories are Female allen.**

**I will explain why allen's innocence attack lavi if I continue, but for now this is the first chapter. **

**Ja ne!**


	2. What is going on?

**I do NOT own D. Gray Man**

**Thank you all for the review. I loved to read them and they were nice to here some opinions.**

**Question and answers time**

**Ebru Gunduz Lestrange -_ 'why is she always flat? damn, why not curvy!Allen? anyway update'_**

**Well I think it is because Allen is still young and growing, but you never know, but maybe in the end Allen will Be curvy. or it I might do it in another story, because most of my stories are going to be of female Allen._  
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** - _'Maybe you could make something like a star cross lover story of that?'_**

**I don't know if I will do that, but maybe and the ideas you gave were helpful and I might use them.**

**Thanks **

**.**

_'Italics' _for writing

'normal' for normal speech and dialog

**'Blond' **thoughts

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-Allen's P.O.V-

The moment I got to the boat the Kanda had started sending death glare my way. While Lavi was notice my presence and look up at me from the boat. I hind my eyes under my bangs and hoped into the boat. Not a single word was spoken. I sat done with my back a way from them, so they could not see my face. As kanda started the boat I could hear him and Lavi whispering behind me. I could also feel the hate radiating from Kanda. Hate radiating from Kanda made me feel very dizzy and sick, but I pushed the feeling down and did the best to ignore it.

** ' Why… Why did Komui send me on a mission with these two.' ** I thought as boat moved slowly down the cannel.

**'He normal sends be a solo missions with only one finder, and they normal ignore me expect when they need to give me information on a mission. So, why now when it has be nearly 6 months since the time my innocence attack lavi .' **I was so absorber in my thoughts that I didn't realized that we were are the end of the tunnel. Until a bump jerked me forward. I looked up and so saw that it was the wall that the boat had hit.

As I stand up I grab my bag which I had in-between my legs and I hopped out of the boat. Feeling a bit unstable and weak, but I ignore it and just start walking to the train station. I soon notice that Lavi and Kanda are walking behind me, and still whispering to each other. Which I started to feel very odd of them to do.

Once are the train station I see our train and start walking toward it with Lavi and Kanda following behind me. I hop onto the train and told the attendant that we are from the black order. He starts walking to our compartment. Once their I walk to a seat near the window. Lavi and Kanda walks in after me and sits on the opposite side from me.

It is silence between us. **'I don't think they are going to talk to me any time soon'**. I focus my attention onto what is going on out side the train. I soon lean my head up against the oddly cool window. I close for a bit and soon find myself asleep before I know it.

The next time I open my eyes I notice that it very blurry but it disappears as quick it came. Then I notice that Kanda is gone and that is just me and Lavi in the compartment. Our eyes lock and I notice in the bight green eye that there is sadness in it. I soon regret looking him in the eye.

I hear a sigh and soon her movement. I feel more weight add to the seat I'm sited on. I try to ignore it, but then I'm pulled into a warm embraced. I'm shocked to say the least. I soon hear the Lavi's voice. I feel happy and sad for what he had said. He keeps talking and I soon fall into the void of darkness. I don't remember what had happen, but when Lavi said those word I felt as if the weight on my shoulders was lifted, and I was at peace even for just a moment.

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**Yay end of the next chapter.**

**What did Lavi say? Why does allen keeps falling a sleep? what could these symptoms mean?**

**That is for next time.**

**Please Review and Tell me what you think**

**Ja ne!**


	3. Lavi's Thoughts

**Kuro: Hey, Allen how do you feel?**

**Allen: Fine. Why do you ask?**

**Kuro: could you do the disclaimers for me.**

**Allen: sure as long as you don't make me ****pregnant**

**Kuro: Okay!**

**Allen: Kuro Yuki does ****NOT**** own D. Gray Man or the characters**

**Kuro: Hope you guys now know Allen wont get pregnant. But maybe in a sequel if I make one. **

**Thank you all for the review. I loved to read them and they were nice to hear some opinions.**

**.**

_'Italics' _for writing

'normal' for normal speech and dialog

**'Blond' **thoughts

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-Lavi's P.O.V-

From the moment at the order to the train. I knew something was off with Allen. I knew people had be send hate messages and attacking him to cause pain, but I never thought that it would hurt him so bad. I was worried for the moyashi. I know that everyone is hating on him for attacking me but he didn't mean to do it. I know what I saw in his eyes that pain, shock, sorrow, and fear. I know he didn't mean to do i. I think he doesn't even know why it happened. I know that he is scared of everyone now I could tell. Just the way his eyes look at the Order he look lifeless.

While on the boat me and Yu-chan were trying to figure out what had happen to him. I knew Yu-chan didn't hate Allen. In fact it was quit the opposite. He loved him, even though he wont say it out loud. The man just had to much pride to say any thing. Me I saw Allen as a little brother more than anything. We knew he didn't look good with his lifeless eye, but something else was giving off a bad vibe. We both knew that something big must have happened to him to make him like this, but we couldn't figure out what.

Once we were on the train. The moyashi look at us, but seem to ignore our presences. I also notice that he fell a sleep will leaning up against the window. While he was sleeping Yu-chan said he would go check the rest of the train, and he left me with the moyashi.

Once he left that allen was starting to wake up. So, I looked over at him. When we made eye contact I saw that same hurt and fear look as before. I hated to see that look on him. I saw The way allen finch away when we made eye contact. I just couldn't take it any more.

So, I got up and walked over to Allen's seat and sat next to him. I then notice that he was trying to ignore my presence, but I wouldn't have it. So, I grab him and pulled him into my chest and held him there. I soon spoke so soft I thought wasn't even possible.

'Allen… I'm sorry….I'm sorry you have be sufferings… without anyones help' I paused for a moment before continue.

' I'm sorry I wasn't there for you…but from now on I will be here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on' I paused again wait to see if I got a response but there was none. I could feel him relax a bit.

' I'm not the only one. There is Kanda too, even though he wont say it…We are here for you Allen so please just let it out' once I got those words out I could fell all the tension in his leave. He just laid there on my chest relaxed.

It was then that I noticed the heavy pants come from him. I also notice he seemed to have fell a sleep.

'Oi. Allen are you okay' I got no answer. '**He is defiantly asleep.' **I thought to myself. I placed my hand to his for head and notice that he had a insanely high fever. **' How come I didn't notice this fever before.' **I thought to myself trying to figure out what is happening to Allen.

**'How long has he been like this. This is most not normal.' **I knew the moment we got off this train Allen would need medical attention. It was at this moment Yu-chan chose to come back Into the cabin. and let me tell you he was not pleased at all to see me holding the one he loved to my chest. If looks could kill I knew I was dead man. I just hope he will listen to me.

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**Yay end of the next chapter.**

**What will Kanda say? What are Kanda's thoughts on this event that is playing out?**

**That is for next time. Next chapter will be Kanda's Thoughts**

**Please Review and Tell me what you think**

**Ja ne!**


	4. Kanda's Thought, What Is going on?

**Alle****n & ****Kanda****- *Innocence Active*****- *put sword at Kuro's neck***

**Lavi- *sweatdrop***

**Kuro Yuki- *Gulp***

**Allen- Explain**

**Kanda- NOW!**

**Kuro Yuki- I-I'm s-s-sorry! I-I had s-s-school, and I-I was tried, too. **

**Lavi- Moyashi-chan, Yu-chan. Don't be mean She had a lot of work. Think about the amount Road force her family to help with.**

**Allen & Kanda- *Deactivate Innocence* * Puts sword a way***

**Kuro Yuki- Thanks Lavi**

**Lavi- Your welcome**

**Lavi- Kuro Yuki does NOT own D. Gray Man.**

**Kuro Yuki-****Thank you all for the review. I loved to read them and they were nice to hear some opinions.**

**.**

_'Italics' _for writing

'normal' for normal speech and dialog

**'Blond' **thoughts

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Kanda's P.O.V

I hated it. I hated how the Moyashi made me feel. I felt so vulnerable. I hate it, but I had already give into my feelings. I have fallen to deep now and I get out. I don't want to.

I know that the baka rabbit has feeling for the moyashi as a brother, but still when I see him with my moyashi I can't help wanting to hurt him. I hate the feeling I feel when they are together and I wish it would disappear.

But I know because the Moyashi is male that we will never be able to be together, but at the very least I want to protect him. I wanted to do that in any way possible and If I can't it would hurt, but he need to be strong if not he wont survive.

One thing I'm confused about one thing is that thought of the Moyashi is a male. I can help but feel he is not, because he is so girly even his appearance is looks girly. Also, if I was really gay I would be more attached to men, but I'm not. Heck! I find women more interesting then men.

I found my self at the back of the train we were on feeling the wind hitting me full on. It felt really relaxing. I stayed here thinking about how the Moyashi was acting before. Then it hit me like a brick. I loved him yet I never notice. The sadness and the loneliness in his eyes. Some thing had happened, and it was not good. I turned my back and open the door to the inside of the train.

Once inside I started to fast pace to our compartment. I couldn't help but start feeling guilty for not protecting him. When we saw him at the dock I was shocked it see his lifeless eyes and I couldn't take it. I felt that it was all my fault. I wish I could fix what ever made him like that.

When I got back to the compartment I opened the door I was greeted with a unpleasant sight. The rabbit was hugging MY Moyashi. I snapped.

I marched to the rabbit pulled him off of the Moyashi, and started giving him look that he should start explain fast unless he what to become a rabbit soup. Then I notice that the Moyashi had fallen face first into the compartment chair, and that his face was flushed red.

I dropped the rabbit. Ignored the cry of from him when I dropped him on to his ass. I quickly walked over to the Moyashi. Has I bent down I could hear that he was panting, and looked flushed. I placed my hand to his forehead. I quickly knew he had a very bad fever.

I look over at the rabbit with a glare for him to start explaining what he was doing. He opened his mouth and started with ' I couldn't take it'. **' What couldn't he take?…What the hell did he do?' **was the only thought that ran though my head.

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**Yay end of the next chapter.**

**What is it that Lavi couldn't take? and What is going to happen to our poor Allen-chan**

**That is for next time.**

**Please Review and Tell me what you think**

**Ja ne! **


	5. Author LETTER

Hey sorry fr not updating for a while. School has be really annoying lately and i'm on family vacation with my family I wont be able to type any new chapters until I get beck home. I the computer I'm using doesn't have word document, and my parent wouldn't let me take my mac that i normal write my stories on because my mom mac book pro broke on a plane. so they don't want mine to end up in the same way. so yeah I wont be able t post any new chapter for a while. but I will write out some ideas on paper if i get any.

BYE BYE ^.^


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